Wish you were here

   

Christian stood up in the middle of the living room today and took 2 steps, then he realized what he was doing, got scared and fell to his butt I reached for my phone to call you so I could share the news then I remembered I can never hear your voice again for you're no longer here. If I had a nickel for every time this happens I'd be rich. The day he was born was the proudest moment in my life I wanted, needed you there but you're gone. There are days that I miss you so much all I want to do is lay in bed and cry but I can't, I have to get up, smile and pretend like everything is perfect for my family. It's not fair that you're not around to nag me for the way I parent or to give my kids candy late at night when I've told you a thousand times I hate that. In my heart I know how much you would have loved Sienna and Christian would have adored you and melted your heart. Just once I wish I could hear you tell me how Christian has your mouth and toes. I wish I could have seen the look on your face when you found out Christian's middle name was going to be Douglas, you would have been so proud. I wish we could call each other and complain about Jeremy's deployment and talk about how much we miss him and can't wait for his safe arrival home. I remember how we'd talk for hours at night then you'd call me the next morning and ask me why I never call you, I'd have to remind you we just talked the night before, I wish I never would have taken that for granted. I wish that when you were dying in the hospital I would have cried in front of you and told you how scared I was to live the rest of my life without you in it. I didn't know how I would carry on without you but somehow I find the strength and manage. I thought that time would ease my pain and make things easier but it really hasn't, it's been almost 5 years but I remember watching you take your last breath like it was yesterday. I think about how my kids will never really know you, you can never rock them to sleep, make them laugh until it hurts, and comfort them when they're sad, you can't comfort me when I'm sad, and it feels like my heart is literally breaking. I miss you so very, very much dad and I can't wait for the day we meet again, I love you.