Sealed With a Little Faith

I have been feeling really sorry for myself for some reason lately, for the past week I have just been finding the negative in every situation, those of you that know me know this really isn't like me at all. I feel like I'm in a funk and I hate it! This morning I went to church, it was kind of early (for me ;-)) and I could have made a million excuses not to go but I set my alarm for 8:00 and went. Sitting here now I am so thankful we got up and made the drive because someone gave a talk and I swear it was aimed directly for my heart. There was this woman, she talked about having 4 miscarriages and how after the 4th time she just prayed that the Lord would just help her lose the need for children because she didn't think she could go through the disappointment of another miscarriage. This hit really close to home and it started to make me think. I remember when I became pregnant with Christian, after having so much loss in my life I could not stay positive about my pregnancy. I was negative and for the first couple of months I found the bad in every good thing about being pregnant. I found myself praying so much more than I ever have in my entire life during those first months of being pregnant, I prayed in the morning, at noon and at night, I didn't do it because I thought people would know I did and think to themselves "wow, she really wants a healthy baby" I did it because I needed faith. Through prayer, family support, and lots of love, I made it through that pregnancy and found the most joy I have ever felt in my life, Christian. The day Christian was born felt like a miracle to me and on that day I prayed to God and told him that I would always remember what he did for me, how he held my hand through my journey, and helped me realize that even in my darkest hour I am not alone. Today because I went to church and listened with an open heart this is all coming back to me, I am never alone, I just need to pray for a little faith. I hope I'm not rambling, I just had to put my thoughts into words so I can look back and remember this feeling I'm having today, the feeling I had when Christian was born healthy and beautiful. Sure I lost two babies but I had Christian and I've been blessed to take part in raising Sienna (she's amazing by the way). Sure I don't have my dad anymore but I still have my mom, and so many other wonderful family members who will help guide me the best they can when I'm feeling like this. I have a roof over my head, a house full of people that adore me, and just so many things that I don't have enough time to list to be thankful for. I need to start focusing on those things and starting today I am going to try my best and do just that! I may not have it all but I do have faith and a promise that I will never be alone.

Happy Birthday to my little man

 

So yesterday was the BIG day and I'll have to admit, I didn't cry as much as I thought I would. I kind of just want Christian to stay my little baby forever, is that normal? I think he had a pretty fun filled first birthday, I packed alot into just one day and I got to spend the day in awesome company. I have my nephew and niece for spring break so they got to spend Christian's special day with us, needless to say the day was just perfect! We waited for Sienna to get out of school then we went to the Treehouse museum and played for a couple hours, then we went to McDonalds and Christian got his very first Happy Meal (he got chicken nuggets and ate almost all of them :-)), then I took the kids to the park to play for a bit and after that we came home and played in Christian's new sand box we bought. He loves the sand box and I'm actually pretty surprised because he doesn't eat the sand, he actually plays in it! We had a birthday party for him on the 19th in Idaho, it was so much fun to spend the day surrounded by family and friends! Christian got a lot of awesome presents too! We're having another party for our family here in Utah for him tomorrow. I love spending days with family and friends celebrating how special my children are! It definetly does not seem like Christian has been with us for a year it feels like just yesterday I was anxiously awaiting his arrival. He has grown so much in this past year it's just crazy! He has the cutest little personality, he looks so much like me but acts so much like Chris it's funny. I'm so lucky to be able to be a stay at home mom, I just get to spend my days watching Christian grow and develop, I love teaching him new things, it's so awesome knowing that everything he learns I taught him! He LOVES to make us laugh, he does the funniest little things and will keep doing them if he can get a laugh out of us by doing it. He no longer eats baby food which has been kind of hard because he doesn't have his molars yet so he can't quite eat everything that we do but I manage. He doesn't crawl anymore, he has the cutest walk and Sienna has been trying to teach him how to run. He loves to cuddle, he is my baby cuddle bug. He has a crazy obsession with hats, he loves to wear one, take it off, then bring it to me so I will put it back on. He loves to wrestle with Chris, I love watching them play together, Christian is only 1 but you can tell how much he already admires his daddy.  He says dadda, momma, bobba, num nums, kitty, and no. He usually chatters up a storm, he's getting so close to saying more words. He copies almost everything we do, that can be a good and bad thing it's funny when I yell for Chris or Sienna and he copies me by yelling for them too, it's so cute. He's such a morning person just like his sister, I'm not but between the two of them it's really hard not to be. And he loves playing games like patty cake. He is such a fun, cute, and smart little boy I have no idea how I got so lucky! Chris, Sienna and I just spoil him to death, we adore him. I'm so blessed to have such a wonderful family!

My Life as of Late

   So many incredible things have been going on in my life in the last couple of months that I don't even know where to begin, and I have a feeling that they are only going ot get better! In January Wendy and I decided to put the past where it belongs, behind us, we got together and had a playdate with all of our kids. How awesome is it that Sienna had a chance to play with both of her brothers and her sister all at the same time :-) It was a good oppurtunity for Wendy and I to get together and scope each other out. Turns out we have a lot in common and we really hit it off! I'm SO happy that we hung out, we had such a good time that we decided to keep it going and make a habit out of getting the kids together. After we hung out a couple of times we realized that we made great friends, so I'm happy to say that Wendy and I are now good friends! I can't even put into words the difference in Sienna now that we all get along so well, she's like a different child, and I'm happy that I have a new friend. Wendy and Blair are so kind and Carson and Calista are the cutest kids, Christian LOVES playing with them! Sienna turned 8 March 2nd so that meant that we had to start planning her baptism. After many late nights and long days the big day finally came, it was yesterday. Wendy, Blair, Chris and I put in so much hard work to make sure everything was just perfect and I must say the day turned out pretty amazing! We are so proud of Sienna she is turning in to quite the young lady! She had such a fun day. It was fun to see all of her family together and just to see all the love everyone has for her, she is such a lucky little girl! Christian will be 1 on the 23rd and I just can't believe it, it makes me feel like crying, I kind of wanted him to stay my little baby forever! My nephew, niece, mom, and little brother will all be here next weekend for spring break so we are going to have a house full but it is going to be so much fun and I'm SO SO excited! I hope everyone enjoys the pictures and after my much anticipated spring break with family I'll be sure to post more!

Our cute kids!

Sienna and her moms :-)

Sienna and her dads :-)

This picture is my favorite because we have come such a long way!

Kisses for our princess

I am so lucky!

Family Love!

Can't believe he's almost 1!

We're SO happy the Asay family could make it, we love them!

Valentine's Day

Chris the kids and I had a wonderful Valentine's I never really cared to much for the day until I met Chris. This year we celebrated by going out to dinner (thanks SO much Wendy and Blair for watching the kids!) and then just spending the rest of the evening in with our kids. Chris surprised me by giving me a necklace, what made it so special is that it was almost exactly the same necklace that he had given to me for my birthday (remember the necklace from my previous post :-)) but it was stolen from me about a year ago and I've been bummed out since! I had NO idea that was going to be my Valentine surprise, my husband is SO SO thoughtful, I love him and I love when we get a whole day dedicated to celebrating our love for each other. Grandma Gail brought Sienna, Christian, Chris and I some Valentine's goodies and got the kids some helium balloons, Chris and I had a BLAST rubbing the balloon on Christian's head and watching it stick to his head as he turned from left to right trying to figure it out. He is so much fun to pick on! Today I showed Sienna and she got a good 30 minutes of laughing out of it. I love her little laugh, it's so contagious! I hope everyone else had a fantastic LOVE day as well!

Labels

This little girl right here

means everything to me! I married her daddy when she was 3 years old, to her I am Blythe or momma depending on the day :-) and I have always left the decision of what she wants to call me up to her. The way I see it "What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet" I don't need a label to know how much she loves me, I feel it in her tender hugs or her thoughtful gestures and in every good night kiss. She has 2 little brothers and 1 little sister that she loves dearly, I could never put into words the way she interacts, loves and takes care of them, seriously it's something I feel privileged to be able to watch. She has been getting so stressed out lately when she has to try and explain her situation to people she looks at me almost heart broken and asks "what are they, my step brothers and sister?" "no" I reply "they're your brothers and sister that's all anyone needs to know". I hate how society has to put such labels on everything, I mean I understand people get curious but really what does it matter? She has 2 moms, 2 dads, 2 brothers, 1 sister, and so much family that love her it's incredible. She is just surrounded by so much love and I hope/pray that it will be enough to get her through the times when she's questioned and looked at differently because she has such a big family. I know when she's older she will realize how lucky she is to be able to have twice as much love than most people. But how can I help her now when she's so young she doesn't really understand? I just love her so much, I hate to see her sad and confused, I am willing to do whatever it takes to keep her happy and make her life as easy as possible!

February

  
There are so many reasons that February is my favorite month. I don't know why but I love Groundhog Day (even though Phil NEVER EVER sees his shadow :-(. Valentine's Day has always been a favorite because I'm a sucker for love, romance and fat babies in underwear with bows and arrows. Then of course there's my birthday, who doesn't love a day where the entire day is all about you and how special you are! But 5 years ago in February (on Valentine's Day to be specific) I met the one person who was put on this earth to be my better half. The day I met Chris gave me a whole new reason to love February! When I met Chris I had just moved to Alaska to live with my older brother Jers he was stationed at Elmendorf and it just so happened that Chris was as well. We met through a mutual friend on Valentines Day and there was an instant connection. Chris and I became the best of friends, he had a girlfriend at the time but I still new his feelings for me ran a little deeper than friends, this was proven to me when he bought me a 150 dollar necklace for my birthday when I had only known him for 10 days and he bought his girlfriend (who's birthday was a couple days after mine) a cheap bottle of perfume. We spent almost every day together while we were in Alaska but I was always so scared to give my heart away I was a firm believer that true love did not exist and if it did it couldn't possibly last (I blame that on the divorce of my parents). Chris was always there for me when I needed him and boy were there times when I really needed him! My dad died April 2nd 2006 just 1 month and 19 days into our friendship and Chris was there for me every step of the way, I remember he was in an exercise at the time, he wasn't allowed to use the phone but he snuck away to call me almost every hour to make sure I was holding up. Looking back on that time in my life only makes my love for him deeper! After we became the best of friends my brother got orders out of Alaska to Nellis Air Force base in Las Vegas, I was excited yet sad at the same time because I was saying goodbye to such a good friend but getting ready for a new adventure. Chris and I had a tearful goodbye after knowing each other for only 4 months, I loved him so much but little did I know that love was more than just friendly. As I was heading off to the airport Chris told me that him and his family were planning a trip to Vegas in July and he promised to come visit, I never really thought he would, I mean we had only been friends for 4 months and although he had made his feelings clear to me I always made sure he knew we were just friends so I just didn't think visiting me in Vegas was a high priority. The month I spent in Vegas before Chris came he was always on my mind but I shrugged it off never taking the time to fully understand why. Chris came to Vegas for 4 days and we spent everyday together, I met his family and his beautiful little girl and I fell in love with them and I began to understand my love for him. We went out one night to Freemont street and Chris ended up kissing me, our relationship changed IMMEDIATELY after that kiss but I was still so weary of where it was heading (again the whole not believing in an everlasting love). Chris was only in Vegas because he was passing through on is way to California to take his daughter to Disneyland. The day he left for Disneyland it hit me like a ton of bricks I was in LOVE with this boy, I kind of panicked, he was my best friend and in my life I've rarely seen relationships last so I was terrified that if we became more than friends it would end disastrously and I would lose my friend. He left and I spent every day thinking about him, was he having fun, was he missing me like I was missing him, did he still love me, it was then that I knew I NEVER wanted to be apart from him again. Luckily for me he spent his time in California feeling the same way. On his way back home to Utah he asked me if I would go with him and spend some time with him and his family before he had to leave (he was going to Korea for a year so he could move to Utah to be closer to his daughter) I said yes because I couldn't imagine being away from him and I remember I just kept thinking how am I going to survive when he leaves for Korea for a whole year! I came to Utah and after just a few days of being here Chris surprised me by taking me to The Roof restaurant in Salt Lake City and popping the question. The restaurant was packed and everyone was watching he was on one knee and everything so I of course had to say yes! And the rest as they say is history. I love February I love Valentine's Day, the day I met the man who changed my life for the better. I love you Chris thanks for our beautiful perfect children, thanks for putting up with me for 5 years and for always being by my side especially when I need you most. I know that I can always depend on you and you love, cherish and adore me more than anyone ever would or could. I'm so happy I found my sole mate at such an early age and although our marriage hasn't been perfect we're in it together forever and that's all I could ever ask for. Here's to 5 years of knowing each other and the many more to come.

The Sweetest Thing

   I love going back and reading through my blog just to see how far I've come as a person. My first couple of blog posts were about my family and myself and about how I couldn't wait to have a baby. Can you believe 10 months ago today Christian was born! He is growing into this amazing little boy that I love and cherish so much. He's learning cause and reaction, he bites me and thinks it's hilarious when I say "ouch". He loves to play pee-a-boo. Sienna will get on her hands and knees and they'll play a fun little game of crawl and chase. One of his favorite things to do is throw anything on the ground and watch as daddy, sissy, or I bend down to pick it up for him. He drinks from a sippy and LOVES to feed himself crackers and noodles. He likes to stand in the middle of the room clap his hands and dance. He has these huge dimples and no matter how frustrated he makes me, all he has to do is turn them on and I cave (which is going to be BAD when he gets older). He is such a momma's boy but day by day daddy is getting closer to taking the title. He's just starting to get to this fun age where I can take him to the mall or library and he'll play (where as before he just slept and ate). He's getting SO close to walking I give him a week or 2 before he's full on walking. I can't believe in just 2 months that he is going to be a year old! It seems like this year has just flown! I remember the day I found out I was pregnant and that 37 weeks seemed like the longest 37 weeks of my entire life but now that he's actually here it's crazy how quickly time is flying! Chris and I plan to have another baby here pretty soon, we want our kids to be close in age, ideally Christian will be 2 by the time we have another baby. I would like to be pregnant no later than September hopefully my next pregnancy goes as smoothly as my last, and I PRAY we have a girl :-) I love my children so much, and I feel so lucky that the Lord has blessed me with such an amazing family!

My growing baby

2 days old

1 month old

2months old

3 months old

4 months old

5 months old

6 months old

7 months old

8 months old

9 months old

10 months!

   Check back every month on the 23rd and I'll add a new picture!

Wish you were here

   

Christian stood up in the middle of the living room today and took 2 steps, then he realized what he was doing, got scared and fell to his butt I reached for my phone to call you so I could share the news then I remembered I can never hear your voice again for you're no longer here. If I had a nickel for every time this happens I'd be rich. The day he was born was the proudest moment in my life I wanted, needed you there but you're gone. There are days that I miss you so much all I want to do is lay in bed and cry but I can't, I have to get up, smile and pretend like everything is perfect for my family. It's not fair that you're not around to nag me for the way I parent or to give my kids candy late at night when I've told you a thousand times I hate that. In my heart I know how much you would have loved Sienna and Christian would have adored you and melted your heart. Just once I wish I could hear you tell me how Christian has your mouth and toes. I wish I could have seen the look on your face when you found out Christian's middle name was going to be Douglas, you would have been so proud. I wish we could call each other and complain about Jeremy's deployment and talk about how much we miss him and can't wait for his safe arrival home. I remember how we'd talk for hours at night then you'd call me the next morning and ask me why I never call you, I'd have to remind you we just talked the night before, I wish I never would have taken that for granted. I wish that when you were dying in the hospital I would have cried in front of you and told you how scared I was to live the rest of my life without you in it. I didn't know how I would carry on without you but somehow I find the strength and manage. I thought that time would ease my pain and make things easier but it really hasn't, it's been almost 5 years but I remember watching you take your last breath like it was yesterday. I think about how my kids will never really know you, you can never rock them to sleep, make them laugh until it hurts, and comfort them when they're sad, you can't comfort me when I'm sad, and it feels like my heart is literally breaking. I miss you so very, very much dad and I can't wait for the day we meet again, I love you.